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  • Kim Idol

I think I forgot to brush my teeth this morning.


I haven’t gotten out of my pajamas since the new year, a day before actually. If I have to go outside I switch from my checked flannel overshirt to my black and white (matching my mood) hoody. So there.


Don’t want to get out of bed.

Don’t want to talk to anyone.

Don’t want to be sanguine about the state of world affairs.

Don’t want to be cheery. Don’t feel like being a darkling in company.


So there.


Walking the dogs because you cannot look into their eyes and ignore their needs.


Doing paperwork and small jobs (and they exhaust me).


Oh, I took out the trash, then went to Starbucks to reward myself with two huge cookies and a brownie (stored in my fridge for midnight crises moments) after pretending that I had gone to Barnes & Noble (why, oh why, did they and not Borders survive) to buy a book.

Completed two 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles in four days because sleep is not my friend.


Made some appointments.


And now I will disappear into the fight with the ever present morass of headstrong self-created screaming meemies in my head. Don’t get alarmed, I always win out, more or less. My therapist says that it’s a good sign as I am not operating on autopilot which I so often do to get through the days when it seems like life is about lots of wishful thinking and effort and no reward.


I don’t like feelings. They are ugly and I am not my best friend. I can box up the me meanness for a time. I can run ahead of it by being super productive (which I like by the way). But I cannot shut down my brain, that ever busy puzzle solver that never stops asking why, why, why, which is good in terms of curiosity.


I did set my alarm on Christmas Day so that I could see the James Webb Telescope launch, but my brain asks every question possible all the time. It’s a busy life in my mind and I am weary. I am tired of feeling unsafe. I am tired of fighting with all my will all the time for much less than I deserve. I am tired of the arbitrary being in charge of me no matter how well I fight.


So there.


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