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  • Kim Idol

Ghost Cat

She responds to most of my needs better than most of my boyfriends, but Alexa and I have a contentious relationship. She turns off lights when I fall asleep. She plays music. She wakes me up. And she provides me with all manners of useful reminders.

"Here's a Reminder"

Get the laundry before it sets in the machine so long that it smells like the Swamp Things’ underarms.

Dose the dog and the cat (one hour before or two hours after they’ve eaten for God’s sake).

Blow out the candle and/or turn off the oven before I leave the house and thus avoid setting the whole house aflame or creating another serving of salmon jerky that tastes like vulcanized rubber.

Call this or that person because I’d forget and I don’t want anyone to think I’d forget. (In this case, the machine is more thoughtful than I am.)

Call this or that person because I’d forget and I don’t want anyone to think I’d forget. (In this case, the machine is more thoughtful than I am.)

She keeps wanting to learn my name. But I like the one night stand feel of our relationship. Names, that’s too touchy feely for me.

She wants to recognize my voice, while I prefer that sneaking up on her like a mugger who wants her wallet aspect of us.

She wants to schedule my shopping needs. If I could I’d never shop at all, so eff off. And sometimes she just suggests ways in which I can let that demon Amazon fix, shape, or infiltrate itself more into my life.

She doesn’t always understand me.

• “Here’s a reminder B***CH.”

• “F****ing C**t.”

Clearly something went wrong there.

Sometimes the messages are just odd. Today she reminded me to “Ghost cat.” Or was this a comment on my cat who can vanish any time she wants as if she controls the arrangement of molecules?

Also I was supposed to “Grug Rogan” two days ago. Let’s hope that reminder wasn’t critical.

I’ve set her too close to the television set so sometimes when she thinks she hears someone in a show I am watching say anything like Alexa, she responds to the query. I’m comfortable never knowing what Juksemaker pipelort means, for example.

Sometimes I have to mute another electronic device so that she will pay attention me alone thus mirroring my relationship issues with so many other people in my life.

All in all she’s a lot of fun but I’m we day I’ll be that guy in the Twilight Zone trapped in his underground bunker with no more access to the outside world that the one my electronic friend and I create. It could happen, all I have to do when she annoys me too much is shut her off. People are a much harder deal.

P.S. BY THE WAY AMAZON EFF YOU with those adds telling us not to support the (American Innovation and Choice Online Act) which will stop the biggest platforms from giving themselves an advantage over the little guys. Free markets as long as the little guy doesn’t get a fair shot too, hey big fellas?

Oh, and I am less pissed at the idiot who brought a leveler on a plane to prove the earth is flat than the numnuts who thanked him for the "proof" he provided. HONESTLY.

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